100 NEW Ways to Annoy Voldemort
by dull.moonlight
Summary: Heh... I was really, really, REALLY bored. Anyway, if you have the urge to be slightly cheered up, this would be the place for it...


**A/N: Okay, firstly, Voldemort belongs to JKR...etc. Now, I know this isn't an original idea, but I've tried with all my might to come up with original, new ways to annoy him. If you feel like you've been violated in any way (that has to do with me "stealing" your work), I'm sorry. I promise you it was an accident. My friends vouch for me (they saw me writing it during various classes of ours). As for the quality of it... Most of it is the randomness of me. I don't really think it's a masterpiece, but it, along with a few other shorts, should tide you over until Black Hearts is released. Actually, most of it is pretty bad, but you should read the whole thing because there are some funny ones hidden. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. Please review . **

**100 NEW Ways to Annoy Voldemort**

1. Tell him he looks like a snowman on crack.

2. Find old newspapers and read loudly about Harry's triumph over him.

3. Fill his room with Precious Moments figurines.

4. Try to teach him about photosynthesis.

5. Every three minutes ask him if he needs a Care Bear hug.

6. At the next Death Eater meeting tell him you invited ten "nice men from the Ministry" to come over for tea.

7. Try to convert him to Christianity.

8. Every time he enters a room play the beginning of the Phantom of the Opera Overture.

9. Constantly quote Monty Python. At the end of each skit nudge him hard and say, "That on was a good one, eh? Eh?"

10. Every time he 'rewards' you, say (in monotone), "Oh joy. Now I can retire..."

11. Every time he attempts to speak yell, "BOO!" and throw rotten tomatoes at him.

12. Do something odd. When he asks what you're doing, tell him you're trying to come up with more ways to annoy him.

13. When he praises you for a job well done start singing "That's What Friends Are For."

14. Yell at him in a foreign language. Use his name as much as you can even if it's nonsense.

15. After his every sentence say, "And God save the Queen, amen!"

16. Sing "His Name is Lancelot" from Spamalot, but replace the name with Voldemort. (Yes, I know it doesn't rhyme. If you want to be a perfectionist go ahead and change the rest of the song...)

17. Tell him that you know a good place for anger management. Repeat until he twitches (or kills you).

18. Tell him you're going to McDonalds. Ask him in an adult-talking-to-a-small-child voice if he wants a Happy Meal.

19, Replace all of his robes with pink bathrobes.

20. Make a cheer for him. Demonstrate every change you get.

21. Recite Dr. Suess to him.

22. Play Broadway Musicals loudly, nonstop.

23. Continually 'trip' by him and fall on him as hard as you can while being 'inconspicuous'.

24. Ask him if he's a vampire.

25. When he is sleeping draw on his face with a permanent marker.

26. Paint everything white. When he enters and speaks gasp and look around wildly. Ask, "I hear you, sir, but where are you?" He's obviously blending in with the paint.

27. Cover everything with Sticky Notes that say, "Harry Potter Hearts Voldemort!"

28. Tell him that you bought a store for him. Mention that Vold-E-Mart would be a cute name.

29. Name his hands Gary and Rod.

30. When he has a large group of people around him say loudly, "Max called last night, by the way. He says that the date is canceled, but that he still loves his Voldy-puff."

31. Tell him that the 'test' came in, and YES he is pregnant.

32. Hum classical music off-tone.

33. Every other day send him flowers and a card confessing Snape's love for him. (Note: This may also annoy Snape).

34. Every time he passes whisper, "Gorgonzola cheese..."

35. To the Spiderman tune sing, "Voldemort, Voldemort, he has a really big wart. He's uncool, he's so lame – I bet he'd be creamed by a dame."

36. Ask him if he's ever defiled the Lord's tabernacle.

37. Glare and say, "You aren't nearly as cool as Chuck Norris!"

38. Get an electric pencil sharpener. Get a very long pencil. Sharpen it until it won't sharpen anymore. Do so in the middle of a speech, if you can.

39. Speak only in Pig Latin to him. Example: Voldemort would become Oldemort-vay. Voldemort might be stupid Oldemort-vay ight-may e-bay tupid-say. (Ebay...cacklesnort)

40. When he gets angry ask, "Aw... Does Voldie want his pacifier?"

41. Knit a sweater while he's plotting world domination or whatever.

42. Tell him that he obsesses over that Potter kid much too much. Ask if you should send a box of chocolates to him with Voldemort's name on the card.

43. Even though he protests, take into action the second sentence in #42

44. Say, "No one loves you 'cause you're not Irish."

45. Take erasers and chalk. Put the erasers in the chalk and bang together vigorously. Repeat.

46. Say, "yes chief," backwards every time he give you an order. Feihc sey (Fee-ah-hic say)

47. Sing the Badger song. (Note: This will also annoy everyone else in the room.)

48. Yell randomly, "IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!"

49. Install a fire alarm. Pull the fire alarm.

50. Every time he says Harry Potter's or Dumbledore's name stand up and yell, "SHING! Sparkle sparkle..."

51. Call his Death Eaters sports fans. (I have no idea where THAT came from!)

52. Tell him that you know his secret passion for Furbies.

53. Make a Suggestion Box.

54. Read all of the negative suggestion in the Suggestion Box.

55. Tell him that splitting his soul is... like... animal abuse.

56. Put him in a room filled to the brim with fangirls.

57. Give the Fangirls Mountain Dew.

58. Sing Phantom of the Opera in French. Get angry when he won't sing the Phantom's part.

59. Plan a Spirit Week. Make sure one day is Harry Potter Look-Alike Day.

60. Repeatedly ask him if he'd like a spot of tea. Keep asking him even if he says yes. (A bonus if you can pull off a very bad cockney accent.)

61. Tell him you signed him up for Transvestites United.

62. If you are having a long conversation keep reverting the conversation back to a random object (radishes, potato salad, etc.)

63. When he reveals a new plan to kill Harry gasp and... do... something.

64. Give him a theme song.

65. Take a day and say nothing but "I can't believe it's not butter!"

66. Tape an infomercial about Vold-E-Mart (#28). Play it over and over and over. Make copies.

67. Fill his closet with your extra junk so that every time he opens if he nearly gets a concussion.

68. Eat very sloppily and noisily in front of him. (Why would one be eating by him... Hm..)

69. Take candid pictures of him. (Much like Colin Creevy.) They MUST BE flashy.

70. Hum a very annoying song all day (one that is easily stuck in one's head with a catchy tune.)

71. Find as many ways as possible to relate his sentences to commercials. (Example: every time he sneezes tell him to take Nyquil or Dayquil).

72. Say, "you know, you're rivalry with Harry Potter is much like the rivalry between Snow White and the witch. Is this actually about you being the fairest of them all?"

73. Give all of his Death Eaters cupcakes in the middle of a meeting.

74. If ever present during one of his duels yell, "BRICK!" as loud as you possibly can.

75. Cover every thing within five miles of him in MAYO including people. (Oh, and Voldemort – I wasn't sure if you'd count him as a person.)

76. Draw him Manga-style. Laminate, frame, and stick on his wall. (Put a sticking spell to it – the Ministry picture or Mrs. Black's portrait.)

77. Inject novocaine in his lip/gum.

78. Pick an annoying phrase. Repeat, repeat, repeat!

79. Make everything in his room "disappear".

80. Ask him if he wants some of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir. (See Sweeny Todd.)

81. Narrate his life for a day. Use a deep voice (think Kingsley Shacklebolt).

82. Get a labeler. Label everything. Everything.

83. Tell him he needs a cool catch phrase such as, "Where are my brown pants!?"

84. Dress up in colorful costumes and tell him that, as a representative from Fiji, you demand he become a cannibal. (No offense to Fiji, or cannibals for that matter.)

85. Every time he tosses something in a trash can (or litters, which is more like him) say, "Ooooo...litter bug!" in a very high and annoying voice. (Who cares if he threw it in the trash can...snort...)

86. Give him a Howler. Go on about something stupid and/or confusing (Underpants, posters, bracelets, etc.)

87. Find a friend and pick a two-syllable word. Then, tell Voldemort that it's urgent for him to listen to what you have to say. Then break your word up into its two syllables. Gallop at each other and yell one after the other. (word example: radish.) Person One: Read!... Person Two: Ish!... One: RAD! Two: ISH! So on and so forth... until you hit each other and complete the word. Both: RADISH! (See Between the Lions.)

88. Sing and dress up in costumes from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

89. Go on and on about Fishy the fishy FishFish of fishy FishFish Fishdom.

90. Ask him if he thinks you and the other Death Eaters should go to Disneyland.

91. Next Christmas give him a huge bag full of bumper stickers. Be sure to make them very womanly. ("Chocolate, men, and coffee are all better rich.")

92. Be overly happy. Example: "Hi! I'm Peppy Paige and we're going to have a funtastic time together!" (Heh... and no, I didn't come up with that...)

93. Show him Potter Puppet Pals, "Trouble at Hogwarts".

94. On the next job that you have to be discreet about, cause an atomic explosion.

95. When he starts on about Harry, tsk and say, "MY, you ARE and eager beaver, aren't you, Voldie?"

96. Fly to another country and call him constantly (or Floo Powder or something). Tell him you just can't get used to the time change.

97. Trash his 'domain of impending doom'.

98. Throw mini marshmallows at him.

99. After he curses someone and there is complete silence start singing, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".

100! FINALLY, if you REALLY want the number one way to annoy Voldemort, lock him in a room with the creator of this (James), his friends, and all of the past creators of "Ways to Annoy Voldemort". (Heh... number one way, even though this is number 100...)

_THE END!!!_


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